Day 88 – Lesson #3 | “Jealousy”

Sitting almost three months into this Leukemia gig and it’s starting to hit me. Jealousy. As I sit here with my nausea, mouth sores and feeding tube alone in my hospital room I’m finding myself to be increasingly jealous of everyone out there living their “normal lives.” Now who’s to say people are living their “normal lives.” Or that their “normal lives” are what they actually appear to be on social media? I don’t have two hour conversations with everyone about whether or not what they post on social media is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. SO I assume, when I see people buying houses, going to engagement parties and vacationing on a beach somewhere their lives are going fantastic with zero speed bumps or hard seasons in life. Where does that leave me? Sitting in this hospital room feeling all types of jealous and frankly sorry for myself. So I decided to remind myself of a few things that I’ve learned over the years to help mitigate my jealousy that I thought I’d share with you all still following me on this journey.

The grass isn’t always greener.

I know we have all felt jealous of someone or something at one point or another throughout our life. It’s hard not to be – especially in a season where everything good seems to be published on social media for everyone to see. One way I’ve learned to try and combat the mass amount of jealousy is to remind myself that the “grass isn’t always greener.” For example, there was a couple I met a while back. The boyfriend was very wealthy – like think extreme wealth for not just a twenty something year old but for anyone. He dripped wealth. My boyfriend at the time was very good friends with him as they “grew up together.” One night we met up for dinner, double date type situation. I was SO intimated and jealous of this specific couples life. I couldn’t imagine they’d have any struggles. I couldn’t imagine not signing up for the life they had if I could. It took me an entire week to pick out what to wear for this one dinner because I was so intimidated by the lifestyle they eluded. But then I interacted with them.

The entire time we were at dinner, at a very boujee place I might add, he completely ignored his girlfriend AND US for that matter. He was on his phone the whole time. Anytime his girlfriend would say something to try and make conversation with us he’d argue with her leaving an awkward silence at the table. After dinner we went back to their place and the girlfriend and I went upstairs so she could change. That’s when she locked the door behind her and let everything out. She’s caught him cheating on her numerous times. She drives herself nuts trying to follow his social media to make sure he isn’t cheating again. She’s threatened to leave but he always convinces her to stay. She was an absolute mess. I couldn’t believe it. From the outside this couple seemed to have it all figured out – but once you took a look inside what was actually going on they were the farthest thing from having it all together. This moment in time taught me that the grass ISN’T always greener, even if it appears to be on social media. In fact, if I were to trade shoes with this girlfriend I would be an absolute wreck and although I’d have a lot of money, I’d be miserable day in and day out.

Season’s of Life are Forever Changing for Everyone

There was a time in my life where I was left completely heart broken while all my friends were happily married and/or in serious relationships. It was very easy for me to feel sorry for myself and jealous of what every one else had. I never thought I’d get through that particular season and thought I’d be lonely and single forever. It was a hard and dark season for me to get through but once I did, I found myself dating the best human in the world. And guess what? All of my friends that had been happily married/in serious relationships during my dark season are now single going through their difficult season in life. It was a hard thing to see during the difficult season, but now looking back, it is very apparent that every single person goes through their challenging seasons. Most people don’t go through life without some bumps along the road. So here, as I sit in my hospital room. I’m reminded that this season too shall pass and I will be out living my best life again here soon. Because season’s of life are forever changing for everyone.

Jealousy is When You Count Someone Else’s Blessings and Not Your Own

Lastly, this specific saying has helped me put things in perspective as well. It’s true, I’m jealous of everyone and their current blessings (i.e. vacations, health and overall ease of life). I wish I was on a beach in Bora Bora, sippin’ a vodka soda without cancer, without a mom in hospice. But guess what. Those aren’t the cards I was dealt. And instead of focusing on the negative in my life and blessings in everyone else’s life I need to spend my time focusing on my blessings. Blessings such as: a curable cancer, supportive family, friends and work, a loving boyfriend, a place to call home, food for my belly, overall health besides this slight Leukemia hiccup. So many times these HUGE blessings in life are taken for granted. It’s easy for me to forget that I have been SO blessed in life. It’s easy for me to sulk and think everyone’s life is better than mine right now but the truth is – even as I’m stuck in this hospital room I am a very blessed human.

XOXO

Kayla