I’ve been out of the hospital for a week now. Feels like it’s been more like 8 weeks. I think this week has been way more hard emotionally and mentally than I expected. The realization my body got it’s booty kicked hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m weak, have extreme body fatigue, nausea, and have puked a time or two. I don’t feel like myself physically which is very hard mentally. I’m used to being the girl who would workout regularly at places like Orange Theory. I’m used to always doing something. I’ve never been one to just “chill.” But right now my body is trying to heal from a bomb that was dropped on it a month a go. All the nurses and Dr.’s have said what I’m feeling is completely normal but I just wasn’t expecting it to be so hard. So with that said. I have to “chill.” I have to spend time off my feet letting my body rest which is a new norm I wasn’t expecting.
Due to the fantastic pandemic we are still living in, I also have to social distance from all my friends and any sort of human interaction for about six months (April 2, 2021 where you at) while my new immune system builds up strength. This means I’m missing out on things like Halloween parties, ugly sweater parties and even one of my best friends bachelorette parties. Spending the holiday’s with my family is even in question and my Dr.’s have all said, “we will have to see how you’re doing.” This is heart wrenching. I thought I’d walk out of the hospital after transplant, be a new woman and get back to living life. Turns out… it takes time. LOTS OF TIME. Although I’m so thankful for making it thus far without any serious hiccups it’s hard to be back in life but not really. It’s hard to feel like I’m just “sitting around” while I heal. It’s hard to be so weak physically after once being so strong.
I’ve struggled with a lot of anxiety this week which is a new thing for me. But then I remind myself all my Dr.’s and nurses have said what I’m feeling right now is TEMPORARY. And that makes me feel blessed. So many people struggle with permanent health issues and so far everything that I’m experiencing is temporary. So I’ve worked really hard to refocus my meltdowns. When I get upset about where I am in life RIGHT NOW, I try to reframe. I tell myself I’m lucky to a) be alive and b) to be feeling TEMPORARY health issues that should resolve with time. So to that, I thank God. I thank him for carrying me thus far. I thank him for being so so good and answering so many of my prayers. I’m blessed.
On a more medical basis – my counts do appear to be recovering which is great news! I have a bone marrow biopsy in a few weeks to see which cells are making up my bone marrow (Braydo’s or the cord blood) and to ensure my cancer has stayed away. I’ll keep you posted on how this goes! From there, we will start taking me off my graft vs. host medications and hope that I don’t have any serious complications here. It’s a slow process but so far so good. All the prayers and well wishes have been working so thank you and keep them coming!
In the meantime, I’ll be here, in the apartment with Aaron, Bentley and Maddie. Going to BIC appointments three times a week and trying my best to “chill.” Luckily, today it’s snowing out and that makes it a little easier to stay inside cuddled up on the couch. Call or text me anytime. I’ll get better at responding but keep me posted on your lives so I don’t go stir crazy in this apartment of mine.